11 years...
May 2, 2009Jim and I went out for dinner last night to celebrate our 11th anniversary, nearly a month late due to a lack of cash and time. We went to the same restaurant as last year, the “Treaty of Paris,” in Annapolis, and, as fate would have it, had the very same waitress. She herself has been married for 18 years, which she said, “is an accomplishment these days.”
I guess maybe it is. But why? Have we been conditioned by the final kiss in the movies? You know what I’m talking about. The girl finally gets the guy, or vice versa, we see them kiss and then the credits roll. What we rarely get to see is the dirty laundry, mortgage payments and day to day drudgery of marriage. Have we come to expect that marriage is a continual flight of fancy and when we don’t get our misty eyed “fix”on a daily basis, we should move on to the next adventure?
Somewhere between years 7 and 11, I realized, even though I may have verbalized it in the past, that love is not just some flight of fancy…a feeling that lets you float along and sustains you through tough times. Love is an action. Love is a race to be endured. Love is putting up with your lover even when he/she drives you crazy. Love is sticking around when you feel like leaving. Love takes lots of sweat equity and prayer.
I, think, like a lot of people that I married with the idea that my husband and I would always be on the same wavelength (read *my* wavelength) and that we would sail through our marriage, up born by some mystical current of “love.” Yes, I was shocked to discover that my husband couldn’t read my mind nor could I read his. We had to talk. We had to fight. It got messy sometimes.
That being said, 11 years later, I can’t imagine a different marriage. No it hasn’t always been an easy marriage, but I don’t know of any that are. And there is something to be said for keeping on keeping on. Once the years pile up behind you in marriage, you begin to feel that foundation beneath the two of you…two becoming one…
Keeping that foundation intact becomes important. To keep shoring it up with the sweat equity of resolving differences, accepting the other as he or she is, rather than trying to change him or her and appreciating the rare duty of surviving the dirty laundry, mortgage payments and sick babies screaming in the night. Abandonment seems foolish, as though part of you would be ripped away in the process. I’ve yet to see a movie tackle *that* kind of love…
Happy (late) anniversary, Jim. Thanks for building with me!
Reader Comments (8)
A belated Happy Anniversary and "Many Years!"to you both !
DH and I were talking about this very same subject last night, about the very real martyrdom to self that is an ongoing work in a marriage.
I keep our wedding crowns in a glass cabinet in the dining-room, where I can be reminded often of the need to battle my selfishness and pride, but also of the help we receive to do so through the Sacrament of Matrimony...............
Wow, Elizabeth...we were never crowned as we weren't married in an Orthodox Church...hadn't converted yet. Maybe we should get some crowns as a reminder though. Isn't the Irish Clauddaugh, with it's crown, to signify martyrdom as well?
Marriage blesses me far more than I deserve to be blessed.
Happy Anniversary and Many Years! You are a fantastic couple.
Many years to you both Laura and Jim. The hubster and I will celebrate 25 in August. I couldn't agree more; marriage is a lot of work, but if both are committed to the endeavor it will work out.
Thank you, miladies!
(Belated) Congratulations and many, many years! And a truly, truly most wonderful and beautiful post. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for those words! They made me leave my computer and go hug my husband. :) I laughed out loud at the bit about mind reading -- oh, man, is marriage hard work. But I have seen it change me into a more flexible, godly, loving person.
I am always on the lookout for movies that promote the long-term / marriage relationship in all its messy, frustrating glory. Two of my favorites are Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and High Fidelity. (They're great movies without that theme, but I appreciate them all the more with it!)
Thank you, Ian!
Emily, I've seen "Eternal Sunshine," but it has been a while. I'll have to watch it again and check out "High Fidelity."