Ana and the bad thoughts...

Last night as I was *finally* headed into the bathroom for a shower, Ana jumped out of bed and met me at the door.

“Mommy, I need to tell you something.”

Trying not to look frustrated, I answer, “What is it honey?”

“I’m having those bad thoughts again.”

“What bad thoughts?”

“I can’t help it.  I just keep thinking that you’re not going to want to be my Mommy any more and that you’re going to go away and not come back.”

This is the second or third time we’ve dealt with this issue.  I reminded Ana again that the best way to deal with these thoughts is to simply ignore them, not fight against them, since fighting them is engaging them and then you just end up in an vicious circle of “bad” thoughts.  After reassuring her for the millionth time that what I had always wanted most was to be a mommy and that I wasn’t walking away from my dearest wish, we talked about thinking of something else, a prayer, a psalm, etc.  And then I sent her to bed with another set of hugs and kisses.

Once I was fully soaped in the shower there was a knock at the door.  “Come in.” I said.  David entered the room (David had a bad day himself…he got his very first bee sting…I’ll save that story for another day) and announced that Ana was crying.  Now, I had very selfishly been looking forward to some “alone time” with my husband and was not happy to hear that Ana had not settled down and had instead, turned up the volume.  But, I am her mother, I signed on for this and as I am, as I said to her earlier “not going anywhere.” I had to deal with it.  Thus, I rinsed off, through on my robe and went to talk to her again.  She was indeed wrapped up in a sheet in her bed, crying.

“What’s going on now, Ana.”

“Mommy.  I can’t stand it when you go to work.  I just want to come with you.”

“Honey, you can’t come with me to work because I have to focus on my clients.  You’d probably be bored and wish you were home anyway.  Part of my job as a mommy now is going to work and making a little money so we can buy food and pay our bills.”

“But I forget about you when I’m outside playing sometimes.”

“Honey, that’s OK. You don’t need to think about me every minute…that doesn’t mean that you don’t love me or that I’m going to somehow cease to exist.”

“But sometimes I get so mad at you I say I hate you but I don’t really mean it.”

At this point I realize we’re headed into different territory.  I tried to reassure her again that everything was OK.  It’s normal for people who live together to get annoyed and frustrated with each other.  The point is, you don’t give up and you keep remembering why you love those people.  But it wasn’t working…so I called in reinforcements.  Jim has been dealing with me and my emotional cry ups for 10 years.  He’s also become quite adept at calming Ana down.  I just couldn’t do it last night.

Luckily Jim was able to get through to her and she finally went to sleep.  I asked Jim later if there was something I was saying or doing which might indicate that I don’t love Ana or that I want to leave.  He said “no” but of course I’ll be second guessing every word and facial expression for a while, wondering.

And I guess I can understand her struggle. None of us want to forget or be forgotten and we all long to love and be loved.  When you’re an intensely emotional little person I’m sure it’s easy to think that frustration and anger can trump the will to love.  I only hope and pray that I can teach all of the children that love indeed does triumph though it is likely the most difficult choice we make and the one we will struggle with until our last breath.