Lately, I've been in a kind of funk. Or at least for the past few days. I'm in one of those, "I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up until it's all fixed sort of moods." But of course that's impossible. There's just a lot going on...a whole lot. The kids are sick and getting over it and getting sick again. Jim is getting all jazzed about getting his own web page up and running. We are looking into Orthodoxy. There's been death in the family along with two bouts with heart problems in older family members. The kids seem to mature over night. Somehow I can have a real conversation with Ana (almost) and David is talking more every day and growing closer to walking. Not to mention the dog issue, which now has us locking our car in the evening behind a heavy chain to avoid having our tires slashed. It's just nuts...I wanna get off.

Times like these, I want to listen to "Cool Change" by The Little River Band. But I wore the tape out and even though I have dropped hints on occasion I have yet to receive the Greatest Hits CD. Ah...Oh well. I listen to "Satellite" by the Dave Matthews Band instead. It's a more ethereal version on the same theme. I actually don't have this one downloaded into the computer so I can't share the song with you...but here are some of the lyrics


Satellite in my eyes
Like a diamond in the sky
How I wonder
Satellite strung from the moon
And the world your balloon
Peeping Tom for the mother station


Sometimes, I wish to be far removed from everything. Able to monitor and record goings on, but not have to touch and feel it all...I just want to float high above it all, watching...maybe guiding. But away from it...cold and detached.


Winter's cold spring erases And the calm away by the storm is chasen Everything good needs replacing Look up, look down all around, hey satellite


Things have been calm around here for a while. We had major storms a while back. But it's been fairly status quo, yet Jim and I both felt change coming. And change it has...we're throwing out much of what we ever believed about religion and seemingly starting all over again. It feels as if we are being attacked at all sides...up, down and all around. Could use a satellite to help us watch for the next set of storm clouds.


Satellite headlines read
Someone's secrets you've seen
Eyes and ears have been
Satellite dish in my yard
Tell me more, tell me more
Who's the king of your satellite castle?


If you believe in Providence...then all of this has been planned out somewhere. If you believe in Free Will our lives are the result of our choices. Which one is it...or is it both. Tell me, which one is it...who's the king of my little world? Because I want to know if my thoughts and prayers pitched at heaven make one iota of difference in the long run...because some days I truly wonder...


Winter's cold spring erases
And the calm away by the storm is chasen
Everything good needs replacing
Look up, look down all around, hey satellite
Rest high above the clouds; no restriction
Television we bounce 'round the world
And while I spend these hours
Five senses reeling
I laugh about the weatherman's satellite eyes


It feels like a big game to me...just bouncing around.


Rest high above the clouds; no restriction


What would that be like...rest high above the clouds; no restriction. No worries about money, neighbors, the kids, what to do about church. Don't get me wrong...I'm loving the Orthodox thing. There's so much mystic-ness and magic and acceptance of the unknown...even welcoming of the doubts and questions that plague a Christian. That plague anyone. It feels good to know it's so accepted there...but it leads to more questions and more doubt and more to wonder and think about. The validation is good and freeing and scary at the same time.

And it's good to see the kids growing and changing. But with each passing day I know they will soon encounter the world, which isn't always such a friendly place. I hope I equip them to meet the challenge. The neighborhood isn't changing and we're not moving. At least not any time soon. I haven't grown enough to the point that I can live well with conflict. I wish to acquiesce even though I know we are right and this woman is wrong just to have the conflict over with. My inmost being strives for peace always...so living with so much dissonance is painful and exhausting.

I wish I could, just for a moment...be that satellite. Floating high above everything, able to see it all. For just a moment to escape experiencing it all...and to somehow see the patterns of the storms to come so as to better stock up and prepare battle plans. Living as you go is so difficult sometimes. No matter how hard we prepare it just doesn't seem to matter...something always fucks it up in the end.

Sorry I'm so melancholy....feeling overwhelmed and under done I suppose.

Have a good day...